As a Romney/Ryan 2012 “Freedom Neutron Bomb”-level donor and bundler, I have the great privilege of serving as the host for the unveiling of the first ever children’s publication written by Our Friend, Master Mitt “Mitt” Romney. I have known “Mitt” for nearly three decades now, since I watched a young, precocious, daring business maverick make the bold choice to leave a fantastic and highly lucrative position with Bain & Company to take a risk on a fledgling venture called Bain Capital, armed only with his own business acumen, the sweat of his brow, $37 million in startup capital from Bill Bain, myself, and many of “Mitt”‘s father’s other friends, and a guarantee from Bill Bain himself that if the new venture went south, “Mitt” could return to Bain & Company with no loss of pay or seniority or really any personal risk to himself in any way whatsoever. It is this boldness, this willingness to grab life by the throat and choke it as if it were a Far Eastern sex worker that has endeared him to me all these years later. As I came to know “Mitt” and his lovely wife “Ann” better, I only came to admire them more. Their life story is remarkable: “Mitt,” born in 1947 at the height of the struggle for Men of Our Status to retain their dominant position in society even as the Peasant was unfortunately slithering its way up out of the Great and Glorious Depression thanks to Comrade Roosevelt’s Communist coup against the Founding Fathers and God and…oh my, I’ve gotten off track here. Anyway, young “Mitt,” son of George Romney, experienced the kind of deprivation and struggle that only the son of the owner of a successful car company and later governor can know. Later, when he had met and married “Ann,” they spent their college years nearly destitute, forced to sell “Mitt”‘s stock portfolio to simply pay their bills, reduced to consuming tinned tuna like some sort of street person, with an ironing board for a dining room table (thank God they had all their clothes laundered and pressed for them off-site by their Oriental laundry man!). Deeply desiring the opportunity to serve his country in Vietnam, “Mitt” found his desires thwarted by the over-reaching federal government that accepted his multiple requests for draft deferral. Instead he served his faith by doing mission work amidst the wrenching human misery that was 1960s Paris. Eschewing his father’s inheritance in favor of the tens of millions he’d already earned by leveraging George’s business and personal connections, “Mitt” found his true calling, and served the world by making himself into the business titan you see before you today.

Then, public service called. Faced with the possible cancellation, one assumes, of the 2002 Salt Lake City Olympic Games, and probably the whole Olympic movement for all we know, “Mitt” took action. Single-handedly, he was able to salvage the 2002 Games, the Olympics themselves, and mankind as a whole by demanding and securing billions of dollars in the kind of wasteful, inefficient federal government spending that “Mitt” will eliminate in order to save us all from the crushing national debt that has been built up through actions like President Obama’s egregious decision to travel back through time to give billions of taxpayer dollars to the floundering 2002 effort to host the Olympics in Salt Lake City.

Then, some say that “Mitt” became governor of something or other and may have led an effort to socialize health care delivery there, but I can find no evidence of any of this actually happening and must conclude that it is more liberal fascist slander being heaped upon this good man’s pristine head of hair.

I am proud and pleased to call “Mitt” and “Ann” my dear friends. “Mitt” has written and illustrated this book himself, and having seen much of it I can assure you that it surpasses the Kenyan Marxist’s children’s book in every possible way, instilling in its reader a deep sense of the true values of America. It is a great and exciting honor to be able to bring this work to you. Enjoy it. Read it. Live it. Share it with your children and your children’s children and so on down the line, until this once-great nation is again Free.

Harlan T. Fescue
August 30, 2012

Here, the cover:

NEXT: Introductory materials


About harlantfescue

Someone who is very likely better than you, as evidenced by the large fortune I have earned via inheritance.
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