My friends,

I am very pleased to inform you, the somewhat less-successful human persons who have had the great privilege of reading this collection of English words with related illustrations, that Of Thee, in the Sense of Many of You Young Persons, I Am Also Capable of Producing Vocal Melody: A Bound Volume Collecting Various English-Language Words That Are Intended to Convey a Story to a Younger-Aged Readership has been awarded the prestigious Ann Romney Award for Excellence in Children’s Literature for 2013. We were able to beat out several less-deserving works whose names have unfortunately been lost to history. I would like to take this opportunity to thank the voters who saw fit to select my book for this magnificent award, a picture of which you can see below: my generally quite pleasing life companion Ann “Ann” Romney, her humiliated dressage horse Rafalca “Rafalca” Romney, and our sons Tagg, Rip, Vespasian, Wiglaf, and Shorn. I am humbled by your recognition of my surpassing excellence and value.

As I travel the country speaking to crowds of like-minded humans for small, six-figure fees, I am often asked when I will again write a collection of English words suitable for a youthful readership. To that question, I can only reply, “If and when my business manager, Saul, determines that the expected return on such an activity is such that doing so becomes the appropriate financial decision.” Until then, my friends, I remain,

Comfortably middle class,

Mitt “Mitt” Romney


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Have I told you that I’m not concerned about the very poor?

by Mitt “Mitt” Romney

My friends, I’m in this race because I care
about Americans. I’m not concerned
about the very poor.
We have a safety net
If it needs repair,
I’ll fix it. Like if the very poor need
their capital gains taxes cut, I’m on it.
Or if they would like us to
get rid of the food stamp program, or other things,
to help motivate them to become not-poor,
I am happy to do that also.

Mitt children's page 19a

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by Mitt “Mitt” Romney

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Afterword, by Clint “Clint” Eastwood

I just–it’s–this book and the writing–do you–do you–does he–how do you deal with–the reasons for it and so forth. America isn’t–it’s not–if you think about–oh, you don’t–you don’t–I mean–traditional families and schools are the–the–we have to get back to–to–this is a great country.

When “Mitt” first — “Mitt” –he asked me to–I thought back to when I made the film–the movie that I made–it was–when I did Lady Godiva of–of–of Coventry and I thought about how–and there were so many people–it was such a great–George–George Nader was–and how America could be better.

I’ve got President–the President–he’s here and–I asked him what–what did you think–did you read–when will you–oh, you’re not? But you had something–you said some–but you haven’t–you shouldn’t say that. I can’t say–I had some friends–City Heat was a film that we–and Burt Reynolds and I–but you never–but we had some laughs back then.

Clint “Clint” Eastwood

This President–he’s not–it’s just–America and our loved ones

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by Mitt “Mitt” Romney

Have I told you that your value to me
vastly exceeds the amount of the tax deduction you provided for me
when you were my legal dependents?
Gosh, let’s strap the dog to
the roof of one of Ann’s cars
and drive around, for old time’s sake!
Like me, you too will make it on your own someday
and all you’ll take from me is my love,
the best education money could buy,
a life spent lacking for nothing,
the names and phone numbers of a bunch of powerful people
who owe your daddy a bunch of favors,
and a couple of failed dressage horses,
if you want them.

And oh, by the way, Tagg, the guy running mommy’s blind trust will be sure to
invest around $10 million of it in your hedge fund,
so there’s that, too.


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Have I told you that I’m running for president, for Pete’s sake?

by Mitt “Mitt” Romney

One of the best things about America, my friends,
is that any important person, like us,
can someday run for President.
When you do, you might say some things to some people
that later on you wish you could un-say,
or do things that you wish you could undo,
but unfortunately the retroactive thing only works
on retirements.
But when you have lots of good friends, like my friends
and Rupert,
they can help you make sure that nobody remembers the things you did or said before
just like when you shake your Etch-a-Sketch!

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Have I told you that I longed in many respects to actually be in Vietnam and be representing our country there?

by Mitt “Mitt” Romney

When I was in my youthful ages, Americans fought
a Great and Noble War to save the Southern Vietnesians from
living under a government that America hadn’t appointed.
Many young people were given an injury or made to be not alive in this war.
Although I was of an age that was the right age to fight in the military,
I was living in France instead.
But I wished that I could have been in Vietnam, along with the other right-age-for-fighting
people who were there.
If only the government had not accepted
one of my four five requests for draft deferment
I could have been doing what I really wanted to be doing.
But it is important to know that for very important people, like us, sometimes
fighting in wars is not the best way to help your nation.
For example, you five boys could have gone off to fight
in any number of wars, but instead
you served your country
by helping me try to get elected.

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